Haha I like your analogy!
What part of it do we not know?
We can see what all the stats are worth from field view, and we know that depending on the scoreline, there is a multiplier or divider.
The only thing unknown to me is what the post game scaling is (If it is to get the score to 3300, why do some players go up, and some go down, in the same game?)
The other slightly puzzling thing is the ruck point scoring given to us in the prospectus (Having different averages and calculations different to what would be logical to those on this website).
The below is from the FAQ page on the Supercoach website.
By using Champion Data's comprehensive rankings system of over
50 different stats, player rankings are the most accurate way to determine how effective a player has been.
How Points Are Scored
Stat Description Points Awarded/Deducted
Effective kick 4 Points
Ineffective kick 0 Points
Clanger kick -4 Points
Effective Handball 1.5 Points
Ineffective handball 0 Points
Handball clanger -4 Points
Handball receive 1.5 Point
Hardball get 4.5 Points
Loose-ball get 4.5 Points
Goal 8 Points
Behind 1 Point
Mark uncontested (maintaining possession) 2 Points
Mark contested (maintaining possession) 6 Points
Mark uncontested (from opposition) 4 Points
Mark contested (from opposition) 8 Points
Tackles 4 Points
Free kick for 4 Points
Free kick against -4 Points
Hitout to Advantage 3 Points
Players will also score bonus points for effective disposals, marks and other actions performed in critical parts of the ground, late in matches when the scores are close.
Some scores involve an element of judgement by HWT, News Limited, Vapormedia or their contractors. No correspondence will be entered into regarding the allocation of scores.
They say there are over 50 different stats, yet they don't list them all.